entry 06
May, why such a hateful month? It seems so counterintuitive that spring should be the worst time of year for me, but that doesn’t keep it from being true: my mental health is never worse than it gets to be from April through June. There are plenty of people who suffer less when the sun is back out and everything is new and growing. I seem to do best when it’s grey and rainy and cozy.
I have other reasosn to hate May besides the physical, though. May 2007 was when I had my big breakdown, and had to quit school for months and crawl back home to my parents, when things were so bad I couldn’t even make myself leave the house alone. May 2007 also was the month we lost my paternal grandmother; my maternal grandmother died in May 2003, on Mother’s Day. All those associations are stuck with me now.
So I’m definitely slogging through this month. School is frightening me a lot. I need to pass all my classes in order to graduate in June; right now the situation is iffy in my syntax class, and it’s a lot easier to panic about how I’ve screwed things up than it is to actually do the work to fix it. The idea of what will happen if I don’t graduate is pretty much a black hole in my head: I can’t imagine anything whatsoever. “My entire life will be ruined” sounds a little extreme, but I don’t know.
Only a month, though, and then school will be over. I can survive another month!
I spent the weekend up in Cornelius, which really helped my stress levels a lot. One of the more difficult things about the last few months has been my lack of people in Eugene; I have more social skills than I used to, but that’s still a matter of friendly acquaintances, rather than actual friends. I can’t remember how people actually make friends, to be honest. When I think of most of the people I’ve become close to in the last five years, pretty much all of them were cases of already being friends with Person A and getting to know Person B through them. It’s an excellent system! But it doesn’t help when you realize you’re in a situation where you have to start a whole new chain.
But, yeah. I spent the weekend at home with my sister and mom and it was a lovely break from everything.
This weekend, I:
+ had more hugs than in the past month and a half combined
+ slept a lot
+ watched Raiders of the Lost Ark and the new Doctor Who with Kelly
+ got a really cute haircut
+ convinced my mom to buy me new clothes
+ saw my brother for the first time in ages
+ played Mario Kart on the wii for the first time and found it unexpecteldy awesome
+ spent the round trip to Eugene belting out every song on Kelly’s ipod ridiculously loudly
And Susie is coming down the weekend of the 24th, and then I’m probably going back up again the weekend after that for my family’s big barbeque.
I can do this.