ghosts are good company

i can’t blame all of the lack of activity here on facebook/twitter/tumblr/other such things, but it seems like that’s a part of it. it seems like the things i put here should be substantial, to make it worth folks’ rss feed and time, so i keep the flighty interesting stuff to less important spaces. that feels kind of like i’m cheating myself, though, in losing the record of it here.

my partner’s typetyping on his computer in the kitchen. unsurprisingly the last post didn’t end up manifesting exactly as we’d pictured it, but things turned out pretty swell. four of the specifics didn’t pan out, and a few of them turned out half-way… we’re on the eastside, just barely – and i’m finding that a lot of awesome folks live nearby. the outside garden space isn’t optimal, but there’s a glass room that’s serving nicely. the most surprising thing? it’s a studio. after the last studio i shared with a lover turned out badly, i promised myself i wouldn’t do that again…

god that was a trip down memory lane that i didn’t really want to take, trying to find that linked entry. anyhow, i was saying that this studio is bigger and right downtown and i have friends and transportation here, so all in all i think it’s better to have a big space of our own than a little space in a shared house, which is what we could have gotten for this much money elsewhere. rationalize. but yeah, it’s a lovely old place and there’s a giant monkey puzzle tree and a giant kitchen, where i’ve been doing lots of beautiful cooking since we have two farm shares and that’s a lot of vegetables and we don’t have much money for anything other than vegetables.

the cooking is part of working on healing is the moral of the story. i’ve been trying to make this my focus since, well, all my life, but pretty actively since the beginning of this year, but something (school, work, school and work) has always seemed to come up. since my work ended officially on sunday and i hopefully have another engagement coming up in a couple of weeks, i’m using this time to breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe and work on the self-love thing (trying to break excessive reliance on the external validation thing).

so far that has been about letting myself do mostly just things that i want to do, a little meditation with good friends and a lot of down time, which is something for which i usually judge myself very harshly. i’m trying to move in to more structured work, but don’t know what that looks like yet – we’ll see.

i’m hoping it will go well; let me know of any ideas y’all might have to help strengthen this time.

xo

the first class i ever took in college was called “philosophy of women in world cultures,” a look at how women were reflected in religions and cultural histories throughout the world. mostly the class was me and some army wives, as this was san diego. the main text was the subordinated sex: a history of attitudes toward women, which was pretty interesting. we were also supposed to read the bible, which i didn’t… so i guess i’m making up for it now.

i’ve been a little into reclaiming the bible lately. i’m pretty much an agnostic pagan nutjob, but when the bible isn’t being used to hurt people or take money from folks, it can be pretty wise. i’m learning the way that all those strange numbers tell you where you are, which makes them a lot less confusing.

we went to church with my (lutheran) grandmother this sunday, and the sermon was about unconditional love, which is something i can get behind. at choir last week i went and talked to a man who had peeked his head in and listened for a while, usually i invite them in to sing with us. trying to figure out who we were, he asked “is this church?!” …i didn’t really know how to respond. for me, the love that we bring to choir *is* religion.

so, 1 Corinthians 12:14-26. it begins (14-17):

Now the body is not made up of one part but of many. If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be?

it seems like this has been interpreted a lot around different religions being part of the church, but if you’re going to tell me that there’s nothing in the bible about the gays or what have you, i’m going to point you here. this is accepting everybody as they are, not kicking them out for being different than you are.

remember in april when i was freaking out about not being a part of my community? i still get frazzled about it, which is part of why i was excited about corinthians. above talks about folks not detaching, not isolating themselves for their differences, but look at what 21-26 says about taking care of the parts “that seem to be weaker:”

The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.

i’m excited here about a lot of things, about not throwing people out. about questioning our judgment of “honor” and what’s “unpresentable.” maybe the bible *does* want us to be socialist freaks, or maybe we should just take care of each other.

as the minister tried to get at unconditional love, something seemed to come up to the congregation about fear, fear of some kind of responsibility or catch to this unconditionality. this culture of fear is pervasive, and i think that the only way to work on it is by loving big. you wanna help?

“Someone like that, who does those kind of things, and goes out in public, knows full well that this might happen to him.”

a nineteen-year-old from puerto rico was horribly murdered last week. the above statement was from the local police investigator assigned to the case.

nobody deserves that treatment, that bias. but the sentiment happens world-wide.

it’s the trans day of remembrance.

this is the eleventh year of transfolks worldwide making a conscious effort to get together on the same day and remember their dead.

too many people are killed, (unsurprisingly) skewed largely toward transwomen of color.

there are vigils today, yeah, you can vigil at home, but to me this is a day to be with your people and love them,

and then think about who aren’t your people.

who’s not with you? how can you expand your world to include everybody? how can we work together to stop folks from slipping through the cracks?

i’m caught between an idealistic “don’t ever let your posse be alone” with a feminist “i should be able to be alone if i fucking want to.” how can we unite those concepts by making the streets safe for everyone?

gender jam is this weekend, but that kind of space needs to be available to folks always. how can we create immediate support while still maintaining hope and building toward long-term change?

three things for you to work on tonight: light a candle. change the world. keep breathing.

portland lost (unless there was a sudden twist of fate in the last few minutes). there were three bunnies tonight (i’m just afraid that they’re going to declare them rodents at some point).

one of the things i miss most when i don’t have (access to) a car is the music part of it all. i ran out of this american life podcasts at work tonight (how will i stay awake without you, ira glass?!) and, all alone in my half of the building, danced around to gogol bordello. i’ve stated before and probably will again that they and the decemberists can lift me through most any trial.

it’s interesting. i love both of these bands, but neither of them is My Very Favorite. which might be why it works. kimya tmbg the magnetic fields the mountain goats have followed me up and down through so many times… while so far, the ‘cemberists and gogol help bring the downs up, because they don’t have any (so many, at least) major emotional attachments. never mind bands that have been loved and lost due to their memories, but we all have those (come down now, they’ll say).

gogol bordello is for dancing, standing waiting for the bus and being unable to refrain from moving my feet, in a flurry of cultural love and history. there’s a part of my heart that insists that these are my people, even though none of them actually share my czech culture (…that i know of). it’s an awesome thing to feel, though, because the nordic heritage i grew up with is awesome, but sometimes a bit culturally bland.

the decemberists fall more on that nordic side (of town), though, at least with the nautical emphasis. i’ve always been attracted to storytellers (and accordions), and love a song that i can get lost in. when you combine that with a sing-along-ability and that certain perfect amount of cleverer-than-thou-ness (because you know i was raised to believe it), they’re irresistible.

the hard thing about blasting your songs and speeding all the way home feeling infinite? is that the speeding actually makes the ending come sooner.

my aunt is a graphic designer. her personal site is here (in case you need something designed all fancypants), and she also works for a company whose catalog she produces every quarter.

this time, they’re doing some special stuff and on a rush, which wasn’t planned when their proofreaders booked a trip to london. left without proofreaders, the company asked friends and family to help…
and loved the work that i did.

which means that i have a reference for my job hunting (this part? amazingly wonderful.), and potentially proofing work with them in the future. hooray!

i just wanted to be helpful. it’s nice to be recognized for the helping.

my friend amy is not feeling super awesome today, so it is for her that i have uploaded this photo (hard work on this connection!) and set down this poem from it.

The Mirror Poem

No mirror’s big enough for Snuff
    to see all Snuff at once.
He could try doing it in bits,
    but that would take him months.
So I walk all around him
    and tell him what I see.
And then, because he is my friend,
    he does the same for me.

i’m not sure if this book is from when snuff was still an “imaginary friend” or not… that would make the meaning quite different. i think my favorite part of the image is snuffleupagus’ eyes in the bottom left of the right-hand page.

ok internet, i have decided on what i want to do for my birthday. it will include a staple from both queer and hipster culture: camp.

that’s right, folks, it’s the tonga room. it must be recalled that perhaps one of my favorite things ever is the enchanted tiki room at disneyland.

then i wanted to go to either bonkers or portal one, but since happy hour at the tonga room ends at the same time bonkers closes, it seems like portal one. some other time, bonkers? you seem like a good warm afternoon place to go, but that’s just because i’m thinking you’ll be overly air conditioned. portal 1 is open until eleven.

hopefully cubbie doesn’t work too too late on friday (i’m afraid he works until ten) – if he does, can we make these thursday plans? that might be better, anyhow, with the less-busy, ja?

so, if you’re in san francisco and interested in doing these things starting at five on thursday the 26th, let me know – either in comments or by email. hurray!

edit: it’s friday again, actually. same plans, just change of date. xo

today was one of the super!productive! awesome. so much stuff recycled and landfilled and going to community thrift tomorrow. we spent six hours sorting. hurray!

i really have no idea, career-wise – which is scary, because that precipice is coming up. everyone keeps asking me if i’m going to graduate this spring, and… i doubt it. i would like to, would like to use that to prove that i’m not as messed up as people probably think i am, would like to use that as proof that my disabilities aren’t debilitating – but i don’t want to graduate just for proof.

the next is a rundown of my summer plans, which don’t exist. chances are you already know these things.

i’ve been waiting and waiting to see the listings for my school’s summer classes. at the beginning of march, “Summer 2007 listings will be available in March” was changed to “Summer 2007 listings will be available in April.” now it’s april and i’m still waiting. a comrade in waiting found the class schedules for summer, though – so at least i know who is teaching when, and the first forty characters of the program title. surprisingly enough, that gives me a lot of hope and eases my worries a bit.

i’m also working on an application for this summer program. it is doubtful that i could both the school of unity and liberation summer school as well as an evergreen class, but i’m hoping that i could work it out – there are a few short-term evergreen pieces that i might be able to schedule around a summer with soul.

if neither of these things work, and if the former works, for that matter, i’ll be looking for a job. i should actually be looking for a job now – temp work would be optimal – to build into the summer, but… i haven’t started. job hunts are an anxious project for people even without anxiety disorders. yippee!

another thing that i want to do before i graduate is take part in this program in the netherlands. working this summer would obviously help support that some… the application for fall isn’t due until may fifteenth, so maybe i should work on that just in case. …except that the program is full. wow.

the netherlands program would also be helpful in my work toward the modern thought and literature program at stanford, in case that’s what i decide to do. for that, “it is recommended that students begin the program with an advanced knowledge of at least one foreign language.” my spanish has always been horrible, but i want to start working on that again – however, by the end of the program i would need to have reading knowledge in two languages. still, i thought at first that it was in two languages *before* the program, so that’s good.

ahh, just thinking about this all is making my stomach hurt. and these are the touchstones, the potential knowns of my future! eep, it’s time for bed.

in one of my classes, i’m doing well – getting each week’s work (because it’s online) done quickly, being on top of things… and it was just mentioned that i hadn’t signed in, yesterday, since the fourth. which is only a week, but apparently in the world of the internet, that’s a Long Time. what can you do?

so, i also haven’t updated here since then. so that’s a Long Time as well. i guess.

it’s been a busy world for cubbie and i, full of lots of delicious drama. we’re working it out, which is lovely. we’ve been Going Out and Doing Things, having dates, which we haven’t done for a while.

in searching for things to do with cubbie, i’ve also found things that i want to do on my own. gay shame meets every week, which is great because i had thought they were defunct.

trouble is, though, i keep finding things to do and then… not doing them. i have one in-person class and the rest are online and you’d think that maybe i would want to get out of the house more, but… no. this is why i haven’t been updating, see, because then i’d have to tell you about this and that’s certainly no fun.

what else, though. something is fun, and i’ve forgotten what it is. cleaning the house? no. um, oh! we’re thinking about moving to a new apartment in our building, if we ever make an appointment to see it. apparently there are studios that are only $50 more per month that are bigger and overlook the bay! i’m so hopeful.

that’s all i got.

when i was buying my coat, there was christmas music all around. it’s crazy how much the stores with their muzac can whet your consumerist urges – i don’t spend much time in stores, is the thing. so i’ve been thinking a lot about gifts to give people (and would love your input on what you’d enjoy), and since i’ve been asked, here are some things that i’m interested in.

mmm, things. these are the computery expensive ones. less expensive things are at the bottom of the next list.

• the thing that i would be exceptionally happy about would be a memory upgrade for my macbook – i currently have one gig of ram, and two would make my computer so much happier. that’s $350 in the mac store, but might be found cheaper eleswhere – i haven’t done much research.
• on a similar note, an external hard drive would be delicious.
• speakers and/or a wall-charger for my ipod, i just remembered, would be helpful

as for other things, i’m all about pirates and dolls and dinosaurs. because i’m secretly four years old?

• doll-wise, i’ve been all about blythe dolls for the past few years. based on a big-eyed doll that was sold in 1972 and brought to fame by a photographer using one as her model, they’re now being released by takara, in japan. my favorite is the star dancer, largely because she reminds me of one my favorite friends. i also love the night flower and rosie red encore. one of the things i love most about blythe dolls is the ability to customize them – i’m thinking about giving one new hair – and the most afforable for that is the new prima doll.
• dinosaur-wise, i’m loving a lot of dinosaur-themed things that are for sale on etsy, a list of which can be found here.
• as for pirates, it’s all about archie mcphee, as always. there are things from there linked in the above list as well.

soooo, those are my wishes. they’re random and silly. cubbie works at a bookstore, though, so all the books that i want i can get for cheaper than… most of the world can. music… is expensive. oh! theatre! local stuff is exciting and intriguing, but i have no idea where to start looking.

anyhow, those are the random things that i like. what do you like? leave me a comment! tell me about your favorite things! tell me about how christmas is a christian holiday, rather than a consumerist holiday! tell me anything!