ghosts are good company

portland lost (unless there was a sudden twist of fate in the last few minutes). there were three bunnies tonight (i’m just afraid that they’re going to declare them rodents at some point).

one of the things i miss most when i don’t have (access to) a car is the music part of it all. i ran out of this american life podcasts at work tonight (how will i stay awake without you, ira glass?!) and, all alone in my half of the building, danced around to gogol bordello. i’ve stated before and probably will again that they and the decemberists can lift me through most any trial.

it’s interesting. i love both of these bands, but neither of them is My Very Favorite. which might be why it works. kimya tmbg the magnetic fields the mountain goats have followed me up and down through so many times… while so far, the ‘cemberists and gogol help bring the downs up, because they don’t have any (so many, at least) major emotional attachments. never mind bands that have been loved and lost due to their memories, but we all have those (come down now, they’ll say).

gogol bordello is for dancing, standing waiting for the bus and being unable to refrain from moving my feet, in a flurry of cultural love and history. there’s a part of my heart that insists that these are my people, even though none of them actually share my czech culture (…that i know of). it’s an awesome thing to feel, though, because the nordic heritage i grew up with is awesome, but sometimes a bit culturally bland.

the decemberists fall more on that nordic side (of town), though, at least with the nautical emphasis. i’ve always been attracted to storytellers (and accordions), and love a song that i can get lost in. when you combine that with a sing-along-ability and that certain perfect amount of cleverer-than-thou-ness (because you know i was raised to believe it), they’re irresistible.

the hard thing about blasting your songs and speeding all the way home feeling infinite? is that the speeding actually makes the ending come sooner.

my aunt is a graphic designer. her personal site is here (in case you need something designed all fancypants), and she also works for a company whose catalog she produces every quarter.

this time, they’re doing some special stuff and on a rush, which wasn’t planned when their proofreaders booked a trip to london. left without proofreaders, the company asked friends and family to help…
and loved the work that i did.

which means that i have a reference for my job hunting (this part? amazingly wonderful.), and potentially proofing work with them in the future. hooray!

i just wanted to be helpful. it’s nice to be recognized for the helping.

my friend amy is not feeling super awesome today, so it is for her that i have uploaded this photo (hard work on this connection!) and set down this poem from it.

The Mirror Poem

No mirror’s big enough for Snuff
    to see all Snuff at once.
He could try doing it in bits,
    but that would take him months.
So I walk all around him
    and tell him what I see.
And then, because he is my friend,
    he does the same for me.

i’m not sure if this book is from when snuff was still an “imaginary friend” or not… that would make the meaning quite different. i think my favorite part of the image is snuffleupagus’ eyes in the bottom left of the right-hand page.

ok internet, i have decided on what i want to do for my birthday. it will include a staple from both queer and hipster culture: camp.

that’s right, folks, it’s the tonga room. it must be recalled that perhaps one of my favorite things ever is the enchanted tiki room at disneyland.

then i wanted to go to either bonkers or portal one, but since happy hour at the tonga room ends at the same time bonkers closes, it seems like portal one. some other time, bonkers? you seem like a good warm afternoon place to go, but that’s just because i’m thinking you’ll be overly air conditioned. portal 1 is open until eleven.

hopefully cubbie doesn’t work too too late on friday (i’m afraid he works until ten) - if he does, can we make these thursday plans? that might be better, anyhow, with the less-busy, ja?

so, if you’re in san francisco and interested in doing these things starting at five on thursday the 26th, let me know - either in comments or by email. hurray!

edit: it’s friday again, actually. same plans, just change of date. xo

today was one of the super!productive! awesome. so much stuff recycled and landfilled and going to community thrift tomorrow. we spent six hours sorting. hurray!

i really have no idea, career-wise - which is scary, because that precipice is coming up. everyone keeps asking me if i’m going to graduate this spring, and… i doubt it. i would like to, would like to use that to prove that i’m not as messed up as people probably think i am, would like to use that as proof that my disabilities aren’t debilitating - but i don’t want to graduate just for proof.

the next is a rundown of my summer plans, which don’t exist. chances are you already know these things.

i’ve been waiting and waiting to see the listings for my school’s summer classes. at the beginning of march, “Summer 2007 listings will be available in March” was changed to “Summer 2007 listings will be available in April.” now it’s april and i’m still waiting. a comrade in waiting found the class schedules for summer, though - so at least i know who is teaching when, and the first forty characters of the program title. surprisingly enough, that gives me a lot of hope and eases my worries a bit.

i’m also working on an application for this summer program. it is doubtful that i could both the school of unity and liberation summer school as well as an evergreen class, but i’m hoping that i could work it out - there are a few short-term evergreen pieces that i might be able to schedule around a summer with soul.

if neither of these things work, and if the former works, for that matter, i’ll be looking for a job. i should actually be looking for a job now - temp work would be optimal - to build into the summer, but… i haven’t started. job hunts are an anxious project for people even without anxiety disorders. yippee!

another thing that i want to do before i graduate is take part in this program in the netherlands. working this summer would obviously help support that some… the application for fall isn’t due until may fifteenth, so maybe i should work on that just in case. …except that the program is full. wow.

the netherlands program would also be helpful in my work toward the modern thought and literature program at stanford, in case that’s what i decide to do. for that, “it is recommended that students begin the program with an advanced knowledge of at least one foreign language.” my spanish has always been horrible, but i want to start working on that again - however, by the end of the program i would need to have reading knowledge in two languages. still, i thought at first that it was in two languages *before* the program, so that’s good.

ahh, just thinking about this all is making my stomach hurt. and these are the touchstones, the potential knowns of my future! eep, it’s time for bed.

in one of my classes, i’m doing well - getting each week’s work (because it’s online) done quickly, being on top of things… and it was just mentioned that i hadn’t signed in, yesterday, since the fourth. which is only a week, but apparently in the world of the internet, that’s a Long Time. what can you do?

so, i also haven’t updated here since then. so that’s a Long Time as well. i guess.

it’s been a busy world for cubbie and i, full of lots of delicious drama. we’re working it out, which is lovely. we’ve been Going Out and Doing Things, having dates, which we haven’t done for a while.

in searching for things to do with cubbie, i’ve also found things that i want to do on my own. gay shame meets every week, which is great because i had thought they were defunct.

trouble is, though, i keep finding things to do and then… not doing them. i have one in-person class and the rest are online and you’d think that maybe i would want to get out of the house more, but… no. this is why i haven’t been updating, see, because then i’d have to tell you about this and that’s certainly no fun.

what else, though. something is fun, and i’ve forgotten what it is. cleaning the house? no. um, oh! we’re thinking about moving to a new apartment in our building, if we ever make an appointment to see it. apparently there are studios that are only $50 more per month that are bigger and overlook the bay! i’m so hopeful.

that’s all i got.

when i was buying my coat, there was christmas music all around. it’s crazy how much the stores with their muzac can whet your consumerist urges - i don’t spend much time in stores, is the thing. so i’ve been thinking a lot about gifts to give people (and would love your input on what you’d enjoy), and since i’ve been asked, here are some things that i’m interested in.

mmm, things. these are the computery expensive ones. less expensive things are at the bottom of the next list.

• the thing that i would be exceptionally happy about would be a memory upgrade for my macbook - i currently have one gig of ram, and two would make my computer so much happier. that’s $350 in the mac store, but might be found cheaper eleswhere - i haven’t done much research.
• on a similar note, an external hard drive would be delicious.
• speakers and/or a wall-charger for my ipod, i just remembered, would be helpful

as for other things, i’m all about pirates and dolls and dinosaurs. because i’m secretly four years old?

• doll-wise, i’ve been all about blythe dolls for the past few years. based on a big-eyed doll that was sold in 1972 and brought to fame by a photographer using one as her model, they’re now being released by takara, in japan. my favorite is the star dancer, largely because she reminds me of one my favorite friends. i also love the night flower and rosie red encore. one of the things i love most about blythe dolls is the ability to customize them - i’m thinking about giving one new hair - and the most afforable for that is the new prima doll.
• dinosaur-wise, i’m loving a lot of dinosaur-themed things that are for sale on etsy, a list of which can be found here.
• as for pirates, it’s all about archie mcphee, as always. there are things from there linked in the above list as well.

soooo, those are my wishes. they’re random and silly. cubbie works at a bookstore, though, so all the books that i want i can get for cheaper than… most of the world can. music… is expensive. oh! theatre! local stuff is exciting and intriguing, but i have no idea where to start looking.

anyhow, those are the random things that i like. what do you like? leave me a comment! tell me about your favorite things! tell me about how christmas is a christian holiday, rather than a consumerist holiday! tell me anything!

my friend erin just posted in her blog about a class at uc berkeley that’s happening next semester - it’s called “Sex Change City: Theorizing History in Genderqueer San Francisco,” and is taught by susan stryker. this course makes me giddy.

i’ve been trying to figure out how to make things work out so that i can take the class. i found this bit on the ccsf website:

This program with CCSF and the University of California, Berkeley, provides qualified students the opportunity to enroll in one free UCB course.

… but then i came across this bit, finishing it up:

Students who have attended four-year colleges or universities are not eligible.

humbug.

all of this came up as i was in the middle of looking into some things that i’ve been wanting for christmas, and i was like “yes! this is the best christmas present ever!” … but it turned out to be a lie.

any ideas on how i can fenangle this, anyone?

in other news, i was a fantastic eleanor roosevelt! i’m thinking about wearing the costume again and making cubbie take pictures of me wearing it, because it’s pretty darn cute. i got a lot of compliments on the outfit, and it sounds like my fairly unrehearsed presentation was amusing and educational. woo! one course down.

i mentioned a bit ago having taken diversity: transphobia. the course was a saturday course, taught by lydia sausa.

i’ve had some trouble with the “diversity:” courses in the past, so i was feeling fairly trepid, but it went well - really well. sausa offered a class that catered to people with all ranges of experience around trans issues - managing to both engage people who were new to trans experiences and also to offer relevant information for people with pasts in trans organizing and education. yay.

i’ve gained more resources to use in my education, and (hopefully) folks newer to these issues will have found an impetus to their working with them further.

perhaps my favorite part of the class was when sausa brought up different theories of gender. one of them was dylan vade’s concept of a gender galaxy… and the other, my favorite, comes from my favorite genderqueer rockstar, lynn(ee) breedlove. this is the “nesting doll” theory of gender, which i was immediately attracted to - if just because the czech parts of my family inundated me with matryoshka dolls as a child. so, this theory revolves around there being many layers of gender. in a sketch, breedlove suggests that hir tiniest inner gender is “peter pan - a young boy, always played by a woman” and that on the outside they’re unka lynnee, who is made up of all of those inner parts. of course, there are seven or eight other gender identites in between those - and for everybody, there is a different set of dolls. this concept makes me want to do art, to do paintings or molds or mini-statues (um, figurines?) of my own gender makeup. apparently breedlove was in class last semester to do their comedy routine about this. it’s probably the best thing that i wasn’t there for that one, as breedlove makes me fairly weak at the knees.

umm, where was i going here? oh! one of the folks in the class was touched by a lot of the exercises, to the point where they realized that they really did need to come out to their family. the wistful “i wish my parents could have been here!” made me realize that - hey! maybe their parents could be there… the course is going to be repeated on january sixth, from 10:00am to 6:00 pm. you should take it! it’d be something like $15 for california residents, $80 (i thiiink) for non-residents. thoughts?

City College of San Francisco:
IDST 80G Diversity: Transphobia 0.5 37954 W01 Lec SAT 10:00-06:00PM 01/06 BNGL Accessible: The classroom is fully ADA code compliant. Sausa, L

come visit us! come learn things. yes folks, that was an ad for my school.

i know i do. and i probably will talk about some things here that you won’t understand, or at least won’t understand why i care about them or why they’re important to me. but if i’m talking about them here (generally!) i do, or they are. so ask. i like to hope that i can provide articulate answers and explanations.
it’s been a time recently of a lot of Thinking. i’ve spent a large part of my life trying to figure out what i want to do When I Grow Up, and all that jazz. i was thinking about law for a while, i was thinking about museum studies, but after investigating them and taking classes around them, i found them all to be too… something. they were all too constrictive, in precise and difficult-to-articulate ways.

also for most of my life, i’ve been doing activist work. a lot of this has been done through nonprofit organizations, and i’ve thought time and time again about doing something in that arena - but also time and time again, i’ve burnt out like crazy. i need a career where i will not go through cycles of crazy.

and i don’t know if that exists yet, but i know that i need to build it. since moving to san francisco, i’ve met some folks who have been very supportive of me and helped me with ideas. one, who took it for granted that i was going to grad school, suggested a couple of graduate programs to me - the history of consciousness program at uc santa cruz and the modern thought and literature program at stanford both sound fantastic for me, especially the latter. i don’t know if i’m ready though, both because i’m so young still [twenty-one is so young for anything, for everything, but especially for commiting to a ph.d program! also, i should have mentioned in the baby chatter in my last entry - these are plans we’re working on for five to ten to more years down the road], but also because i really need to get my mental health sorted out before i can move into anything that big. i’ve melted down so many times throughout college, which is what’s supposed to happen, somewhat, but… maybe not this much.

well, that was cheerful and optimistic.

there’s a small problem in the schedule of my world where i’d really like to graduate “on time” in the spring of 2007. i could do this if i took few credits during the summer, but what i’d really like to do to finish up my college work is this program, which would be a semester studying gender and sexuality in the netherlands. i think that something like this would be an important experience to cap off my four years of queer and gender studies, because so much of what i’ve done so far is from such a (generally liberal) united states perspective.

another reason taking summer classes might be tricky is that i’m looking at two different summer programs down here in the bay area, both of which are based around anti-oppression work. they seem remarkably similar, with some subtle differences. the first, which i learned about from a guest speaker in my “diversity: transphobia” course (which i will mention in its own entry, because it deserves it), is SOUL - the school of unity & liberation:

SOUL Summer School is an eight-week-long intensive introduction to community organizing and social change, designed for young activists (ages 18-25) who have been involved with social justice organizing for at least one year. SOUL is dedicated to helping young women, young people of color, young working class people and queer youth step up to lead the movement, and SOUL Summer School provides a structured time when [youth] can work full-time to develop [their] grassroots organizing skills and [their] political analysis.

the second, which i found while trying to find the soul program, is diversityworks’ the works program:

The Works begins with an intensive five-week, anti-oppression, social justice training program in which 15-18 youth will come together in the San Francisco Bay Area for educational workshops, service learning and community events. Through these activities, participants gain a deeper understanding of racism, sexism, classism, homophobia, ableism, ageism, and other forms of oppression. Youth will also develop their own skills as leaders and gain tools for bringing about positive change in their communities. The training program is followed by a month of group-led community action.

i feel like i should take advantage of these opportunities while i’m still considered part of the “youth” community. maybe it seems like this should be obvious - summer program and then netherlands program - but graduating “on time” is for some reason so important to me. i think a lot of it is that i’m currently at my eleventh school in my lifetime, and that’s a lot. it’d be nice to graduate with a degree that says i spent four years learning somewhere (even if it’s pretty much only been two).

anyhow. i’ve been working on this post for two hours. i have class in the morning. this is why my grades are bad.

xo