ghosts are good company

i went to bed thinking about working on this
gathered scarf, and proceeded to have a dream where i was going to go on a road trip (from the pacific northwest to san diego, i think) and i wanted to bring that project along to start. i wonder how to interpret that one, considering the above and that i’ve been borrowing my grandparents’ car this past week and that i’ve been trying to figure out how to get to portland in a couple of weeks.

it’ll be, if i make it out there, my first trip to the zine symposium without cubbie - but it’ll also be a trip where i know more people than ever. so it seems like a positive thing to do, and like there are more people from olympia going this year. i think i’m feeling like i really should do something awesome because typically i would be at homoagogo right now, but i’ve been travel-hungry for the past while anyway, as i mentioned.

last weekend (not yesterday!) a friend and i stayed in a (western) yurt at grayland beach state park. it was a really wonderful trip that made our overnight stay seem longer than it was, which i think is the mark of a successful retreat. we saw a pinniped of some sort on the shore… i’m pretty sure he was munching on seaweed, although that might have been in my imagination. also we flew a kite! and toured the gray’s harbor lighthouse.

most importantly on the trip, we learned that we can take the bus there from olympia! having acquired bus schedules for the region, i am excited about the potential for cheap minivacations by bus.

i’ve been trying to start skating again - i’ve been pretty wheel-shy since i fractured my tailbone, mostly because my sense of balance is missing. i went out the other day, though, and managed to calm down after a little while (my knees, they stopped shaking!!) and even fell properly (while falling managed to twist so that i landed on my fleshy hip, rather than my not-fleshy tailbone). i’m hopeful that the skatey trend will continue, but still laugh at the thought of ever being able to even take part in the tiniest part of derby.

i’m still trying to figure out some broad-based what-do-i-want-to-do-where-do-i-want-to-go questions. all of my ideas at this point seem more romanticized than realistic - i need to find a way to balance those aspects and find a life that can sustain me. ideas?

i have been very anxious and avoidant lately, which makes the world pretty awesome. it’s that time of the quarter - the new!shiny! aspect of it all has worn off, and very few of the classes are as great as i was hoping. still, i have a new momentary excitement, which is that i have a topic for my Big Paper for one of my classes. i’m going to look at gender variance and tricksters, since… those are, you know, things that this trannypuck is interested in. i’m a little worried about the trickster as a racialized entity, but since it shows up in so many cultures… that would be an interesting thing to research on its own. it’s kind of exciting to have a paper idea that actually feels like it could easily fill its required length.

so that’s exciting, and graduating in a few weeks is exciting, but oh my goodness the stress has been killing me. i’ve had two migraines since getting here (it’s a good thing i’ve still got my medication-toting habit, since it’s been at least three years since i’ve had one), and my body has been wracked with acid. fortunately, i’ve only had one actual panic attack, and even that was… under special circumstances.

work is over after friday, a ‘good while it lasted but oh golly glad it’s gone’ type thing. i still haven’t heard from either of my summer programs to know if i should, you know, buy a plane ticket… if things don’t pan out there, i’m thinking of staying in washington and maybe doing americorps or something, but i really wish that i had any sort of idea at all when i would hear from the programs!!

yep. here’s me frustrated. i’ve been knitting a lot (a lot) to try to keep calm - it’s not a horrible thing, really. it’s kind of fun to follow patterns, that is my new knitting thing.

i want to remember to share with you: some pictures, stuff from the kimya show, and… what the tinies i live with did for my birthday. these are all Important Things that i should get to once the world shifts back into… whatever the second-highest gear is.

it’s strange, to have so many blogs in so many places. i’m also trying to get more involved with some online community that i love (i imagine that you all know who you are, but i would love to know who’s reading so i can make sure that i’m reciprocating!), because… they’re really nice kids.

that community loves to play picture your day, so i took my shot at it yesterday. you can see the album (with captions) heeeere. ♥

…now i have to start rushing for the bus again.

here is an exploration of my new room. when i say “slippers” i mean “mittens,” but everything else is true facts. i am excited about these newfangled video uploading capabilities that i have. the video is dedicated to jennicakes who has been insisting that something videographic happen.

i apologize for going into puppy!voice.

it started raining two seconds after i was done shooting. the plants are being grown in dirt that we dug up in digging a grave for Gigi The Best Cat Ever, who died yesterday. i cried a lot. i was on the phone with my mother when i was planting the tomato and broccoli seeds, i kept saying that i was “burying” them.

have a good tenth life, gigi.

tho bout was crazy. mad. wonderful. i got to work the door, organizing lines and making people sign waivers… it’s an overwhelming job. i spent the afternoon running up and down lines and bellowing news - we were sold out, we might be able to let a few more people it, we were really truly officially sold out. it was very strange to have interacted with nearly everyone by the time i sat down.

this week is calmer. no more flower job, less social plans. i’m waiting for my outdoor wheels to show up so that i can skate without paying the rink. i asked my grandmother if she wanted to come to skate lessons tonight, but… she didn’t.

my scarf is something like four feet long now, so that’s amazing to look at - knitting is really a place where you can keep an eye on your progress, where there is instant validation, if you will.

i’ve been planning my next few months, year or so, and i’m hopeful. i’m great at plans, and every so often i can make them pan out. this feels like one of those times - trans leadership summit is coming up, then evergreen, then summer. amsterdam. something. i’ve been eying a bunac visa for after amsterdam, i want to take a look at british housing/employment stuff and see if i could actually make it happen.

this is the part where i wiggle with potential.

oh, hi blog!

lately i’ve had Too Much Staring At A Computer Syndrome, which i don’t think will go away anytime soon, what with the 35 hours of computer-staring i’m scheduled for next week. ah, well, at least they’re giving me money for it.

they’re also allowing me to knit in between jobs, which is great. i made a baby hat for a baby who is due to arrive a few months from now - the hat looks like this except more baby-sized - and am currently working on a scarf for my unclestephen.

stephen approached me at christmas about making him a checkered scarf and i said “sure, that’ll be easy!” before realizing that frankly, no. that would be confusing. i tried everything i could think of - stranded colorwork in the round, stranded colorwork to be folded over, just making three striped scarfs and then crocheting them together - before heading back to what i had been avoiding all along: double knitting.

i was avoiding it because it seemed harrrrd, and confusing, and (shh) sometimes i forget how to purl. the knittinghelp video on doubleknitting didn’t help much either because “um, i thing i messed up” in the middle doesn’t inspire much confidence, does it?

eventually i found the stitchdiva tutorials and, while i was still confused, decided to give it a go. and now i’m this far! …and excessively proud of myself.

other things going: Plans for school might work out, apparently i could have walked at graduation last year, and i’m excited and nervous about heading up to the bay area next month for the trans leadership summit.

and those are things.

actually, when i came to add a post to the blog, it was to say none of those geeky things. it was instead to share with you the fact that

I HAVE FIGURED OUT WHAT I WANT TO BE FOR HALLOWEEN.

if only i had realized before 5am on halloween that I WANT TO BE A GNOME for halloween.

because, i mean, they are round and cozy and perhaps the best ever. all i need is… a hat. which i could knit if i had time. and a belt. which i could knit if i had time. and a beard. which i could fashion if i had time.

we’ll see how it goes. for now, look how much cuter this child looks as a gnome than i ever will (i just looked at that link as if it were a parenthetical, and said to myself “for now, look how much cuter than i ever will” doesn’t make sense as a sentence!!”).

for now i am studying up on my gnome puns just in case i dress up and go out somewhere.

anyway, whatever happens, may this day be full of at least a little magic and peace for you all. gnome what i mean?

other things:

+ you have probably realized by now that i am safe from the fires. a lot of people aren’t, and if there’s a way for you to donate/help out that you feel comfortable with, please try.

- amsterdam application is still pending based on three items which are all out of my control. in fact, these are the same things that it was pending on two weeks ago. and the program is full. apparently if those things show up at the study abroad office soon, i should be able to get on the waitlist. yes, i *have* actually been in touch with people about these things.

+ i should be able to get back on my skates soon. i need to remember to start shuffling around the house on them, so that i don’t panic the second i get on skates at the rink.

my alarm is set for six hours and forty-two minutes from now. i have a job (for a week), which is a pretty awesome thing because it means, mostly, five hundred plus more dollars than i had before.

unfortunately, i am already spending some of that money in my head… i’m wanting to buy roller derby pads, probably from sin city skates. expensive, but important.

jorb is good for structure. i’ve been better at getting getting things done just knowing that it’s coming - making things ready for the next day, sure, but also cleaning the house. it’s crazy, how important it can be to have something to work toward.

that said, though, my sleep schedule still isn’t working. i trained for two hours today and then came home and accidentally napped for five hours. i just downloaded an alarm clock for my computer, so hopefully that will help, but still - obnoxious.

saturday: my mum has a hair appointment at nine downtown. at eleven downtown there is a tranny picnic (until two, i think). at one, a tiny we know is being baptized. at five-thirty, there’s a tranny meeting. of course saturday is the day we decided to go to the padres game…

sunday: knitting. it was fun this week, i went with my aunt. i was afraid they’d make fun of my garter stitch scarf, but they really liked it. nobody could advise me on fulling, but someone taught me how to do an i-cord. and then i taught some other people. there were six new people there, including my aunt and i - and maybe twenty people there total. crazy! we left three hours after it started and they were still knitting like mad.

…this is how it works
you’re young until you’re not
you love until you don’t
you try until you can’t
you laugh until you cry
you cry until you laugh
and everyone must breathe
until their dying breath

no, this is how it works
you peer inside yourself
you take the things you like
and try to love the things you took
and then you take that love you made
and stick it into some
someone else’s heart
pumping someone else’s blood
and walking arm in arm
you hope it don’t get harmed
but even if it does
you’ll just do it all again…

i’ve certainly heard of regina spektor, i’m pretty sure she’s fairly popular among a certain crowd, but perhaps the first time i’ve heard her music was the other day.

my mother mentioned at some point radio sophie, and i was charmed by the idea because one of my favorite people is named sophie, and i would love it if she had a radio station because it would play delightful music. the actual radio sophie isn’t actually so delightful and it’s owned by cbs, but it still has perhaps the best playlist of all of the corporate radio in san diego. which maybe is saying something.

anyway, i first heard regina spektor’s “on the radio” on the radio, on my way home from somewhere - oh! bowling, i think. my mother’s work goes bowling every so often, and i was invited to bowl with them. i bowl badly. i warned them when i was invited that i would bowl about eighty, and indeed i averaged seventy-nine.

anyhow, on the radio was “on the radio” and it made me cry. you can listen to it here, at least for a little while. i think it was a minor hit a while ago? i like it the most of any of her music that i’ve heard.

i have a new friend who is a fish. he doesn’t have a name yet, but he is a pink betta fish with light blue and silvergray coloring. he is pretty lovely, and he lives in the kitchen.

tomorrow is knitting at the whistle stop. i need a new project, though, because i finished my current one at the trans discussion group i went to tonight. it’s a long and skinny garter snake, i mean scarf, out of some lion brand landscapes i picked up when my ex worked at jo-ann - in summer fields (mine is a bit looser gauge, i did it on fifteens), which is a color scheme that i love sooo much. for no apparent reason… but it makes me excessively happy. i am thinking of doing this with it, but i am not completely sure if i want to - i’m afraid that it will get thicker, and i don’t want that. i really just can’t decide if it’s nice or horrible. i *do* want tassels, so i need to figure out whether or not fulling is go. any thoughts, knitters? suggested needles are thirteens, so it’s not like there’s giant holes. i might take it with me to the stitch and bitch and ask them.

so, that’s why i don’t talk about knitting. also because i never know what to knit. i want to do fun things, but i’m horrible at remembering patterns. i made a… thing… today that was an experiment in how stranded colorwork will felt (i wasn’t very surprised that the cuff, or whatever it will be, got twice as wide around after i felted it and then snipped the carried-over yarn. i’ll felt it again and see how it turns out. i want to make this eventually, and it would be super fun to do some kind of symbol (piiiiirate bag?) on the middle panel.

i have so much yarn, especially considering how little i knit. and so many needles!

i’ll suffer you through discussions of these things in the future.

i’ve decided that if i wait just a little longer without changing the layout, this blog will be in season again.

although truthfully, i’m in a web design class and i need to figure out *something* to design for my final project.

i’ve been in seattle and olympia for the past few weeks, staying with various people and seeing lots of exciting things. it’s dreadfully warm here. so i’ve been knitting, of course. i designed a little mouse finger puppet, which i adore. i gave it to a girl that i have a crush on, but she’s not dating new people right now, apparently. i learned that through observation, not rejection. thank goodness.

there’s a thing about blogging that the longer you spend not doing it, the harder it is to pick it up again because you feel like you need to say something profound to make up for your absence.

cubbie and i broke up a while ago. i get teary a lot, still.