ghosts are good company

the first class i ever took in college was called “philosophy of women in world cultures,” a look at how women were reflected in religions and cultural histories throughout the world. mostly the class was me and some army wives, as this was san diego. the main text was the subordinated sex: a history of attitudes toward women, which was pretty interesting. we were also supposed to read the bible, which i didn’t… so i guess i’m making up for it now.

i’ve been a little into reclaiming the bible lately. i’m pretty much an agnostic pagan nutjob, but when the bible isn’t being used to hurt people or take money from folks, it can be pretty wise. i’m learning the way that all those strange numbers tell you where you are, which makes them a lot less confusing.

we went to church with my (lutheran) grandmother this sunday, and the sermon was about unconditional love, which is something i can get behind. at choir last week i went and talked to a man who had peeked his head in and listened for a while, usually i invite them in to sing with us. trying to figure out who we were, he asked “is this church?!” …i didn’t really know how to respond. for me, the love that we bring to choir *is* religion.

so, 1 Corinthians 12:14-26. it begins (14-17):

Now the body is not made up of one part but of many. If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be?

it seems like this has been interpreted a lot around different religions being part of the church, but if you’re going to tell me that there’s nothing in the bible about the gays or what have you, i’m going to point you here. this is accepting everybody as they are, not kicking them out for being different than you are.

remember in april when i was freaking out about not being a part of my community? i still get frazzled about it, which is part of why i was excited about corinthians. above talks about folks not detaching, not isolating themselves for their differences, but look at what 21-26 says about taking care of the parts “that seem to be weaker:”

The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.

i’m excited here about a lot of things, about not throwing people out. about questioning our judgment of “honor” and what’s “unpresentable.” maybe the bible *does* want us to be socialist freaks, or maybe we should just take care of each other.

as the minister tried to get at unconditional love, something seemed to come up to the congregation about fear, fear of some kind of responsibility or catch to this unconditionality. this culture of fear is pervasive, and i think that the only way to work on it is by loving big. you wanna help?

“Someone like that, who does those kind of things, and goes out in public, knows full well that this might happen to him.”

a nineteen-year-old from puerto rico was horribly murdered last week. the above statement was from the local police investigator assigned to the case.

nobody deserves that treatment, that bias. but the sentiment happens world-wide.

it’s the trans day of remembrance.

this is the eleventh year of transfolks worldwide making a conscious effort to get together on the same day and remember their dead.

too many people are killed, (unsurprisingly) skewed largely toward transwomen of color.

there are vigils today, yeah, you can vigil at home, but to me this is a day to be with your people and love them,

and then think about who aren’t your people.

who’s not with you? how can you expand your world to include everybody? how can we work together to stop folks from slipping through the cracks?

i’m caught between an idealistic “don’t ever let your posse be alone” with a feminist “i should be able to be alone if i fucking want to.” how can we unite those concepts by making the streets safe for everyone?

gender jam is this weekend, but that kind of space needs to be available to folks always. how can we create immediate support while still maintaining hope and building toward long-term change?

three things for you to work on tonight: light a candle. change the world. keep breathing.

tomorrow i’m going to a “first time homebuyers class.” i’m going to bring my padfolio (yes, i just said padfolio) and pretend to be a grown up. i really like this house, but it’d be a super-long commute to oly. still, it’d be amazing tto live on way to tipperary street. who thought that putting the word “way” in a street name was a good idea? i also love this one, but i think it’s a little to old for me to be able to keep it happy, it needs someone a little better at taking care of the puppy once they’ve brought the puppy home.

also tomorrow is nettlefest! where choir is singing. and my friend andrew is moving away, so he’s holding a party for us to kick him and tell him not to move away. at least i’m pretty sure what the party is for.

sunday i might go to look at the way to tipperary house! also it is blintzapalooza, which – oh my goodness exciting.

on monday i have my first burlesque 101 class! i’m excited and petrified. a few weeks ago i did a basic class and tassle twirling, but this six-week course ends with a performance which is… golly. it’s funny, though – at the tassle twirling class i had to ask about a “how to twirl your tassles” article i pulled out of the stranger when i was sixteen, it was illustrated by ellen forney… i knew even back then that i wanted to be a drag queen, and indeed the article was about miss indigo blue’s going-ons. it became suddenly obvious, afterward, that ellen had done the illustration of indigo that’s the academy logo.

……..i tend to get fixated on things. sometimes i check my email in the early morning, when i should be going back to sleep, and one day i got an email from sophie asking if ghosts are good company (the song, also the name of this blog probably maybe obviously also i am the fourth result for that phrase on google) was by bishop allen as it… is… or by the moldy peaches as it is often labeled. and instead of just going “no, it’s really bishop allen” i spent a good hour of my sleeping time on the internet being grumpy. and then listening to the song again and going “well, i can see how it sounds like the moldy peaches to some people, but it’s totally not kimya.” and then thinking about how much i love bishop allen and how much i love the moldy peaches kids and is the latter why i got so into the former? are more of their songs similar-sounding and i just didn’t know it? speaking of which, that comcast ad campaign? grr.

portland lost (unless there was a sudden twist of fate in the last few minutes). there were three bunnies tonight (i’m just afraid that they’re going to declare them rodents at some point).

one of the things i miss most when i don’t have (access to) a car is the music part of it all. i ran out of this american life podcasts at work tonight (how will i stay awake without you, ira glass?!) and, all alone in my half of the building, danced around to gogol bordello. i’ve stated before and probably will again that they and the decemberists can lift me through most any trial.

it’s interesting. i love both of these bands, but neither of them is My Very Favorite. which might be why it works. kimya tmbg the magnetic fields the mountain goats have followed me up and down through so many times… while so far, the ‘cemberists and gogol help bring the downs up, because they don’t have any (so many, at least) major emotional attachments. never mind bands that have been loved and lost due to their memories, but we all have those (come down now, they’ll say).

gogol bordello is for dancing, standing waiting for the bus and being unable to refrain from moving my feet, in a flurry of cultural love and history. there’s a part of my heart that insists that these are my people, even though none of them actually share my czech culture (…that i know of). it’s an awesome thing to feel, though, because the nordic heritage i grew up with is awesome, but sometimes a bit culturally bland.

the decemberists fall more on that nordic side (of town), though, at least with the nautical emphasis. i’ve always been attracted to storytellers (and accordions), and love a song that i can get lost in. when you combine that with a sing-along-ability and that certain perfect amount of cleverer-than-thou-ness (because you know i was raised to believe it), they’re irresistible.

the hard thing about blasting your songs and speeding all the way home feeling infinite? is that the speeding actually makes the ending come sooner.

i have a challenge between making this blog [my] “family friendly” and making it… about much of my life. but i guess since folks wouldn’t know me very well at all without knowing this, i spend the vast majority of my social time engaged it trans community activism and/or at the “local queerlady-owned sexuality boutique” – “a sex store even your mother would love.”

partially i bring this up because they (the rubber rose, the store mentioned above), just hosted the annual traveling roadshow that is the sex worker’s art show. i’ve been four out of the last five years now, and this year i had the most fun (even though nomy lamm wasn’t on the tour), largely because carly and lea (see above queerladies) made it such an awesome environment.

i attribute the environment mostly to lea and carly, even though the show was at a different venue, because it had the same spirit of delight, enthusiasm, and wonder that makes all of the rubber rose’s events awesome. still, it was missing as much of a feeling of power (youtube, sound) as some of their past events. the show was at a different venue becauuuuse the rubber rose has permit Issues. due to their being an “adult business” apparently there is a whole laundry list of things that are not allowed in their performance space. which drives me crazy.

ah, well. if you haven’t missed it yet, go see the art show. and if you’re in the area, go give the rubber rose some money. because i can’t. because i still don’t have a job. awesome!! oh: and official no-go on amsterdam today. double-awesome.

hoo boy, internets.

i have my first official Derby Injury*. i landed smack dab on my butt today, and yowch. it hurts a lot. i’ve been icing it, and tomorrow i think i’ll start with pain pills. it’s my tailbone, but my back has been hurty also. i’m hoping that’s just from new postures i’m learning, rather than also from the falling-on-butt.

mmm,yeah. so there’s that.

big news in my world lately is that eve 6, the band about which i obsessed for many a year, is reuniting. kind of. frankly, i’m a little confused – two of the members have been playing together in a band called the sugi tap, and now those same two members are instead turning their sights to a eve 6 reunification – with the blessing of the old guitarist to have someone new on guitars. at any rate, they’re in los angeles on the 26th, and i’m hoping i can get up there.

my grandfather is town, and that’s nice. we had dinner with him and my aunt, which – other than my butt complaining, and it’s started to hurt so much more since then – was healthy and tasty. food is so good.

i have been watching heroes** and ooh, i enjoy it. i am excited about this tv season, there is lots going on and it’s entertaining. i’ve never really followed tv like this before, so it’s weird.

my favorite awesome baby is walkin’!

*so, i’m the newbie in derby boot camp. this means that i’m re-learning how to skate, and building up my stamina, and then will join the boot camp folks in learning turns and stops and things like that. after people master those things they move up to training camp where they actually learn derby-type things like contact and (better) falling. so i have trouble calling what i’m doing derby, but it’s a start.
**and ugly betty and grey’s anatomy and private practice and pushing daisies.

dear buffy musical,

i kind of love you.

i’m just sayin’. i was petrified about last night, about going by myself, until i saw that they were looking for people to assemble goody bags (“i used to do this all by myself, until i realized that people might be willing to help me!” / “when did you start having people help you?” / “oh, about three shows ago.”), and so i did that and met people and then i wasn’t all by myself! which is awesome.

and while i was the only one really injecting the musical with the overabundance of lewd that it so obviously deserves, it was still full of the sauce of awesome, because everybody was having a great time and being clever.

it also plays tonight, and i am hoping hoping to go again (that would be, um, my third time?). hurray!

wow, monday was a place for a bunch of new things.

my mother bought a car on sunday – traded hers in, actually -  so i spent some time in the new car, getting to know it and its quirks.  it’s pretty lovely, a 2007 civic hybrid, and seems to like me as well.  it’s cars.com “best car for first-time drivers” (here) which is an interesting category to even exist – and which i’m not, a first-time driver, but…  hmm.

one of the places from which i drove was derby bootcamp.  i finally made it there, and on the right day so that i wasn’t the only brand new kid!  the derby dolls have it set up so that there’s this bootcamp, and there’s also training camp – once you’ve mastered your skating and stopping skills, you then get to move up to training camp and work on your contact and falling.  i think it’s an awesome setup, and i’m super excited to be in a city that has such a through program.

bootcamp wiped me out.  i could only skate for part of the hour – because i am completely out of shape, which we already knew, and being careful to not spin into anxiety-mode.  i’m coming early next time, so that i can skate for longer, but with breaks more regularly.  so much sweat!  i haven’t participated in team sports in ten years, and i remember how much i hated it – but also those pockets of enjoyment.

after bootcamp i decided that it would be an awesome idea to go to the gym?  but the pool, truthfully.  there i had the dreadful surprise that i couldn’t swim a whole lap without feeling like i was going to sink.   a large part of this, of course, is just exhaustion from derby, but it’s unsettling.  still, i got to sit in the bubbly spa and then the sauna for a while, and talked to some folks there.

there was a crazy amount of womanness in the day – first “the girls” and “sisterhood” at derby, and then the women’s locker room.  i feel like such a foreigner in these kinds of places, but at the same time i know that i need to take advantage of how i do fit in, and not isolate myself when i don’t need to.

all through roller derby, i had a few bits in my head of a song that i don’t know.  on the way home i was playing with the radio controller on the steering wheel (this new car thing is crazy, guys) and kt tunstall’s “hold on” came on – the song that was in my head, of course.  what timing.

[[speaking of songs, i added the tracklist to my seattle mix-cd post, since the person it was a surprise for has now received it.]]

last night i made a mix cd based on seattle – songs about seattle, not by people in seattle. it’s a little obvious, a little lewd, and a little amusing. do any of you want a copy? maybe we could do a mix cd swap? if you’re interested, leave a comment and we can exchange addresses or whatever by email.

here’s the cover image (shrinkified):

the image is from the pi. a “composite photograph” from 1986. ’shop!

the tracklist, in case anyone’s interested:

The Long Winters – Prom Night At Hater High
Craig Chaquico & Russ Freeman – Seattle Child
Brazen Abbot – Restless in Seattle
Abigail Anderson – Seattle
Bob Rivers – West Seattle Girls
Sir Mix-a-Lot – Posse On Broadway
The Postal Service – This Place Is A Prison
Anti-Flag – Seattle Was A Riot
The Business – Holiday in Seattle
Kimya Dawson – I Will Never Forget
Connie Smith – Seattle
Steve Vai – The Boy From Seattle
Bill Cosby – Seattle

in a different direction, fish with no name is no more. apparently i fail at having a fish. the building i’ve been working in has amaaazing fish in the lobby, but i won’t be working here after tomorrow. i wonder if they’d mind me coming in to see the fish anyway. :D

…this is how it works
you’re young until you’re not
you love until you don’t
you try until you can’t
you laugh until you cry
you cry until you laugh
and everyone must breathe
until their dying breath

no, this is how it works
you peer inside yourself
you take the things you like
and try to love the things you took
and then you take that love you made
and stick it into some
someone else’s heart
pumping someone else’s blood
and walking arm in arm
you hope it don’t get harmed
but even if it does
you’ll just do it all again…

i’ve certainly heard of regina spektor, i’m pretty sure she’s fairly popular among a certain crowd, but perhaps the first time i’ve heard her music was the other day.

my mother mentioned at some point radio sophie, and i was charmed by the idea because one of my favorite people is named sophie, and i would love it if she had a radio station because it would play delightful music. the actual radio sophie isn’t actually so delightful and it’s owned by cbs, but it still has perhaps the best playlist of all of the corporate radio in san diego. which maybe is saying something.

anyway, i first heard regina spektor’s “on the radio” on the radio, on my way home from somewhere – oh! bowling, i think. my mother’s work goes bowling every so often, and i was invited to bowl with them. i bowl badly. i warned them when i was invited that i would bowl about eighty, and indeed i averaged seventy-nine.

anyhow, on the radio was “on the radio” and it made me cry. you can listen to it here, at least for a little while. i think it was a minor hit a while ago? i like it the most of any of her music that i’ve heard.

i have a new friend who is a fish. he doesn’t have a name yet, but he is a pink betta fish with light blue and silvergray coloring. he is pretty lovely, and he lives in the kitchen.

tomorrow is knitting at the whistle stop. i need a new project, though, because i finished my current one at the trans discussion group i went to tonight. it’s a long and skinny garter snake, i mean scarf, out of some lion brand landscapes i picked up when my ex worked at jo-ann – in summer fields (mine is a bit looser gauge, i did it on fifteens), which is a color scheme that i love sooo much. for no apparent reason… but it makes me excessively happy. i am thinking of doing this with it, but i am not completely sure if i want to – i’m afraid that it will get thicker, and i don’t want that. i really just can’t decide if it’s nice or horrible. i *do* want tassels, so i need to figure out whether or not fulling is go. any thoughts, knitters? suggested needles are thirteens, so it’s not like there’s giant holes. i might take it with me to the stitch and bitch and ask them.

so, that’s why i don’t talk about knitting. also because i never know what to knit. i want to do fun things, but i’m horrible at remembering patterns. i made a… thing… today that was an experiment in how stranded colorwork will felt (i wasn’t very surprised that the cuff, or whatever it will be, got twice as wide around after i felted it and then snipped the carried-over yarn. i’ll felt it again and see how it turns out. i want to make this eventually, and it would be super fun to do some kind of symbol (piiiiirate bag?) on the middle panel.

i have so much yarn, especially considering how little i knit. and so many needles!

i’ll suffer you through discussions of these things in the future.