ghosts are good company

i can see the matterhorn mountain from my window. my mother’s at a conference here at the disneyland hotel, so i’m relaxing in a bed that’s not mine. i need to get to work soon; i have proofreading to do, but for now it’s relaxytime.

i’ve been on an adventuretrip for a little while - on sunday i took a bus to the train to portland, then headed over to the zine symposium. the symposium was was pretty delightful - even if i was only there for a little while. it’s probably for the best, because had i been there longer, i’d only have managed to spend even more money. as it is i spent too much, but i also traded some of my button stock, and that comes together to mean that i have a pretty lot of awesome stuff. it was weird for me to be at the symposium because i really have no idea where to start with zines. i mean, there are *so many* that it’s overwhelming - even when it’s just single people with multiple zines they’ve written at one table it’s tricky figuring out which one of theirs i want. because they’re all awesome exciting promising.

so, um. end zine symposium tangent. i left my atm card in a machine up there, i realized as i went to pay for my dinner at the portland airport. fortunately i had enough cash, so was allowed to get on my plane to san diego.

in san diego i… bought a car. and filled it up with a bunch of my stuff. and then drove it up here.

full circle so far. on friday i’m driving up to san francisco, staying the night there, then picking up mr. butter banana saturday morning and heading to olympia, where i will take the giant step of… moving in with my boyfriend. i’m excited and worried and hopeful and we’ll see how it all goes.

i need to get a job.

hi blog!

things are fine, the world has been proceeding normally without you. i’m heading up to evergreen on fool’s day - although it sounds all like a hoax, since i don’t actually have a place to live, i’m hoping to find some sort of stability once i’m there. i’m registered for eighteen credits at the moment, waiting to get through a wait list to bump it back down to sixteen - i’m taking enough credits to graduate just in case amsterdam doesn’t work out, as it has a tendency… not to, and considering the state of the dollar.

the trans leadership summit was a fantastic experience, and i’m lucky to have been able to go. i made the acquaintance of some great people, and got back in touch with folks i’d lost touch with. i was able to find genderqueers again (it’s lonely down here in san diego) and learned a lot, much of which was a reminder of the binaries and biases within the trans community. i had to walk out of a workshop which began with discussion of how badly the hrc had done with enda - and ended with the conclusion that perhaps the trans community would do better if we had the “normal” trans folks step up in the media, and let the “militant genderqueers” be out of the spotlight. so that “the mainstream” doesn’t think that the whole trans community is made up of “freaks” [like me*]?

i was enraged, and wrote an impassioned piece about it while i was on the plane, and then my computer deleted it. that’s what i get for writing in a program that doesn’t auto save.

i’m going to be updating wordpress sometime in the next few days, so if things get bumpy over in greendinoville, that’s why.

tonight i’m making buttons for the rubber rose (they made my button-helpers volunteers of the month for february, and that makes me happy) and tomorrow i’m going to the getty with my family! yay for things!

the birds are twittering outside. happy spring. i’m looking for the perfect daffodil header for my blog - which i recall doing last year as well…

* don’t you wish your partner was a. i was lucky that this rage was mostly productive, it’s the kind where i got pissed off and motivated, rather than pissed off and depressed.

i have a job! it is seasonal and low-paying and ultimately would be unexciting except that 1) it is a job and 2) they offered it to me less than two hours after my interview. which made me feel shiny.

i also have maybe a plan! i’m hoping to do evergreen in the spring (see boat class, below), hopefully walk at graduation, and then do a different, cheaper, nice, amsterdam sexuality program in the summer. i like having plans.

in long-term plans, a friend of mine mentioned dreaming of moving to vermont, and i glomped onto it. spring? next year? i’ll have graduated, need a place to go to. vermont? two amazing people to live with? uh, sounds great thanks.

derby starts again soon, with a double header exhibition bout on the 23rd. … and my work schedule means no skating class for me. damn, must figure that out.

anyhow, job excitement is the moral of this post!

i have a challenge between making this blog [my] “family friendly” and making it… about much of my life. but i guess since folks wouldn’t know me very well at all without knowing this, i spend the vast majority of my social time engaged it trans community activism and/or at the “local queerlady-owned sexuality boutique” - “a sex store even your mother would love.”

partially i bring this up because they (the rubber rose, the store mentioned above), just hosted the annual traveling roadshow that is the sex worker’s art show. i’ve been four out of the last five years now, and this year i had the most fun (even though nomy lamm wasn’t on the tour), largely because carly and lea (see above queerladies) made it such an awesome environment.

i attribute the environment mostly to lea and carly, even though the show was at a different venue, because it had the same spirit of delight, enthusiasm, and wonder that makes all of the rubber rose’s events awesome. still, it was missing as much of a feeling of power (youtube, sound) as some of their past events. the show was at a different venue becauuuuse the rubber rose has permit Issues. due to their being an “adult business” apparently there is a whole laundry list of things that are not allowed in their performance space. which drives me crazy.

ah, well. if you haven’t missed it yet, go see the art show. and if you’re in the area, go give the rubber rose some money. because i can’t. because i still don’t have a job. awesome!! oh: and official no-go on amsterdam today. double-awesome.

actually, when i came to add a post to the blog, it was to say none of those geeky things. it was instead to share with you the fact that

I HAVE FIGURED OUT WHAT I WANT TO BE FOR HALLOWEEN.

if only i had realized before 5am on halloween that I WANT TO BE A GNOME for halloween.

because, i mean, they are round and cozy and perhaps the best ever. all i need is… a hat. which i could knit if i had time. and a belt. which i could knit if i had time. and a beard. which i could fashion if i had time.

we’ll see how it goes. for now, look how much cuter this child looks as a gnome than i ever will (i just looked at that link as if it were a parenthetical, and said to myself “for now, look how much cuter than i ever will” doesn’t make sense as a sentence!!”).

for now i am studying up on my gnome puns just in case i dress up and go out somewhere.

anyway, whatever happens, may this day be full of at least a little magic and peace for you all. gnome what i mean?

other things:

+ you have probably realized by now that i am safe from the fires. a lot of people aren’t, and if there’s a way for you to donate/help out that you feel comfortable with, please try.

- amsterdam application is still pending based on three items which are all out of my control. in fact, these are the same things that it was pending on two weeks ago. and the program is full. apparently if those things show up at the study abroad office soon, i should be able to get on the waitlist. yes, i *have* actually been in touch with people about these things.

+ i should be able to get back on my skates soon. i need to remember to start shuffling around the house on them, so that i don’t panic the second i get on skates at the rink.

so it’s official-ish. i just submitted my application for the amsterdam program this spring. i’ll need to make sure that all of my other things are in, but we should be pretty much on track.

i’m petrified. i’ve been panicking about and procrastinating on this final step - the “give them fifty dollars and then not be able to edit your application” step - for weeks now. but it’s done. and maybe sometime they’ll call me and go “hey, wanna give us lots of money?” … and maybe they won’t.

i joined a new library system today, so that i could check out knit a square, make a toy. it is for absolutely brainless knitting, and is an awesome book. cubbie (and as such really, i, because i inherited his knitting books when he stopped knitting) had a copy, but then our delightful cat butter (who i miss soooo much) peed on it. it’s out of print, and only sixteen libraries in the u.s. seem to have it. handy that one of them is seventeen miles from my house.

speaking of knitting, i am now a ravelry member! i’m puckish there. they’re chugging through invitations fast, if you want to be a member but haven’t signed up yet.

tweedle dum. i’m sitting on a phone book, because my butt still hurts. i’ve been singing “my butt hurrrts,” to the tune of cute overload’s “i et too moishe.” i’m pretty sure that i fractured it on the right side, because… that’s where it hurts the most! i took this week off of (telling my temp place that i’m looking for) work, because it hurts to sit for a long time, but i need to go back to work next week because, hi, amsterdam? i have 1300 saved, and that’s not going to get me far. i should get one of those little thermometers for how much i’ve saved. i wonder where on the internet i could do that in a lazy fashion. i don’t think i care enough to code my own.

i think when/if i hope when the time comes for amsterdam, i’ll create a new blog here for that. because everyone needs many many blogs. and why did i buy myself a fancy domain and stuff if i’m not going to fill it up with stuff? cubbie has, unsurprisingly, stopped using his blog here - and that makes me feel lonely.

want a blog, people i know? i’ve asked you this before, i’m sure.

hoo boy, internets.

i have my first official Derby Injury*. i landed smack dab on my butt today, and yowch. it hurts a lot. i’ve been icing it, and tomorrow i think i’ll start with pain pills. it’s my tailbone, but my back has been hurty also. i’m hoping that’s just from new postures i’m learning, rather than also from the falling-on-butt.

mmm,yeah. so there’s that.

big news in my world lately is that eve 6, the band about which i obsessed for many a year, is reuniting. kind of. frankly, i’m a little confused - two of the members have been playing together in a band called the sugi tap, and now those same two members are instead turning their sights to a eve 6 reunification - with the blessing of the old guitarist to have someone new on guitars. at any rate, they’re in los angeles on the 26th, and i’m hoping i can get up there.

my grandfather is town, and that’s nice. we had dinner with him and my aunt, which - other than my butt complaining, and it’s started to hurt so much more since then - was healthy and tasty. food is so good.

i have been watching heroes** and ooh, i enjoy it. i am excited about this tv season, there is lots going on and it’s entertaining. i’ve never really followed tv like this before, so it’s weird.

my favorite awesome baby is walkin’!

*so, i’m the newbie in derby boot camp. this means that i’m re-learning how to skate, and building up my stamina, and then will join the boot camp folks in learning turns and stops and things like that. after people master those things they move up to training camp where they actually learn derby-type things like contact and (better) falling. so i have trouble calling what i’m doing derby, but it’s a start.
**and ugly betty and grey’s anatomy and private practice and pushing daisies.

dear buffy musical,

i kind of love you.

i’m just sayin’. i was petrified about last night, about going by myself, until i saw that they were looking for people to assemble goody bags (”i used to do this all by myself, until i realized that people might be willing to help me!” / “when did you start having people help you?” / “oh, about three shows ago.”), and so i did that and met people and then i wasn’t all by myself! which is awesome.

and while i was the only one really injecting the musical with the overabundance of lewd that it so obviously deserves, it was still full of the sauce of awesome, because everybody was having a great time and being clever.

it also plays tonight, and i am hoping hoping to go again (that would be, um, my third time?). hurray!

wow, monday was a place for a bunch of new things.

my mother bought a car on sunday - traded hers in, actually -  so i spent some time in the new car, getting to know it and its quirks.  it’s pretty lovely, a 2007 civic hybrid, and seems to like me as well.  it’s cars.com “best car for first-time drivers” (here) which is an interesting category to even exist - and which i’m not, a first-time driver, but…  hmm.

one of the places from which i drove was derby bootcamp.  i finally made it there, and on the right day so that i wasn’t the only brand new kid!  the derby dolls have it set up so that there’s this bootcamp, and there’s also training camp - once you’ve mastered your skating and stopping skills, you then get to move up to training camp and work on your contact and falling.  i think it’s an awesome setup, and i’m super excited to be in a city that has such a through program.

bootcamp wiped me out.  i could only skate for part of the hour - because i am completely out of shape, which we already knew, and being careful to not spin into anxiety-mode.  i’m coming early next time, so that i can skate for longer, but with breaks more regularly.  so much sweat!  i haven’t participated in team sports in ten years, and i remember how much i hated it - but also those pockets of enjoyment.

after bootcamp i decided that it would be an awesome idea to go to the gym?  but the pool, truthfully.  there i had the dreadful surprise that i couldn’t swim a whole lap without feeling like i was going to sink.   a large part of this, of course, is just exhaustion from derby, but it’s unsettling.  still, i got to sit in the bubbly spa and then the sauna for a while, and talked to some folks there.

there was a crazy amount of womanness in the day - first “the girls” and “sisterhood” at derby, and then the women’s locker room.  i feel like such a foreigner in these kinds of places, but at the same time i know that i need to take advantage of how i do fit in, and not isolate myself when i don’t need to.

all through roller derby, i had a few bits in my head of a song that i don’t know.  on the way home i was playing with the radio controller on the steering wheel (this new car thing is crazy, guys) and kt tunstall’s “hold on” came on - the song that was in my head, of course.  what timing.

[[speaking of songs, i added the tracklist to my seattle mix-cd post, since the person it was a surprise for has now received it.]]

…this is how it works
you’re young until you’re not
you love until you don’t
you try until you can’t
you laugh until you cry
you cry until you laugh
and everyone must breathe
until their dying breath

no, this is how it works
you peer inside yourself
you take the things you like
and try to love the things you took
and then you take that love you made
and stick it into some
someone else’s heart
pumping someone else’s blood
and walking arm in arm
you hope it don’t get harmed
but even if it does
you’ll just do it all again…

i’ve certainly heard of regina spektor, i’m pretty sure she’s fairly popular among a certain crowd, but perhaps the first time i’ve heard her music was the other day.

my mother mentioned at some point radio sophie, and i was charmed by the idea because one of my favorite people is named sophie, and i would love it if she had a radio station because it would play delightful music. the actual radio sophie isn’t actually so delightful and it’s owned by cbs, but it still has perhaps the best playlist of all of the corporate radio in san diego. which maybe is saying something.

anyway, i first heard regina spektor’s “on the radio” on the radio, on my way home from somewhere - oh! bowling, i think. my mother’s work goes bowling every so often, and i was invited to bowl with them. i bowl badly. i warned them when i was invited that i would bowl about eighty, and indeed i averaged seventy-nine.

anyhow, on the radio was “on the radio” and it made me cry. you can listen to it here, at least for a little while. i think it was a minor hit a while ago? i like it the most of any of her music that i’ve heard.

i have a new friend who is a fish. he doesn’t have a name yet, but he is a pink betta fish with light blue and silvergray coloring. he is pretty lovely, and he lives in the kitchen.

tomorrow is knitting at the whistle stop. i need a new project, though, because i finished my current one at the trans discussion group i went to tonight. it’s a long and skinny garter snake, i mean scarf, out of some lion brand landscapes i picked up when my ex worked at jo-ann - in summer fields (mine is a bit looser gauge, i did it on fifteens), which is a color scheme that i love sooo much. for no apparent reason… but it makes me excessively happy. i am thinking of doing this with it, but i am not completely sure if i want to - i’m afraid that it will get thicker, and i don’t want that. i really just can’t decide if it’s nice or horrible. i *do* want tassels, so i need to figure out whether or not fulling is go. any thoughts, knitters? suggested needles are thirteens, so it’s not like there’s giant holes. i might take it with me to the stitch and bitch and ask them.

so, that’s why i don’t talk about knitting. also because i never know what to knit. i want to do fun things, but i’m horrible at remembering patterns. i made a… thing… today that was an experiment in how stranded colorwork will felt (i wasn’t very surprised that the cuff, or whatever it will be, got twice as wide around after i felted it and then snipped the carried-over yarn. i’ll felt it again and see how it turns out. i want to make this eventually, and it would be super fun to do some kind of symbol (piiiiirate bag?) on the middle panel.

i have so much yarn, especially considering how little i knit. and so many needles!

i’ll suffer you through discussions of these things in the future.