ghosts are good company

i have a job! it is seasonal and low-paying and ultimately would be unexciting except that 1) it is a job and 2) they offered it to me less than two hours after my interview. which made me feel shiny.

i also have maybe a plan! i’m hoping to do evergreen in the spring (see boat class, below), hopefully walk at graduation, and then do a different, cheaper, nice, amsterdam sexuality program in the summer. i like having plans.

in long-term plans, a friend of mine mentioned dreaming of moving to vermont, and i glomped onto it. spring? next year? i’ll have graduated, need a place to go to. vermont? two amazing people to live with? uh, sounds great thanks.

derby starts again soon, with a double header exhibition bout on the 23rd. … and my work schedule means no skating class for me. damn, must figure that out.

anyhow, job excitement is the moral of this post!

i am first on the waitlist still, but nowwww the program leaves in less than a month! so chances that i’m going look very. slim.

which leads me to: do i want to graduate in six years but with this awesome gender and sexuality program last on my transcript? or do i just want to freaking graduate already, by taking whatever at evergreen this spring?

the latter is quite appealing (except that the only program that really excites me is this one? but.)… i could still go to amsterdam, it would cost the same (evergreen would want tuition to put it on my transcript anyway), and i could have a college degree. wouldn’t that be nice.

p.s. jaci, there was no way for me to refrain from stealing your boat (garage) for this post. i love you.

it’s me! it’s 2008! it’s a new domain for a new year! … or something.

at any rate, greendinosaur.net is much more cuddly than buttoning, i find. because dinosaurs! that are green! so good.

more later, i’m sure. once things have been updated a bit all about.

so it’s official-ish. i just submitted my application for the amsterdam program this spring. i’ll need to make sure that all of my other things are in, but we should be pretty much on track.

i’m petrified. i’ve been panicking about and procrastinating on this final step - the “give them fifty dollars and then not be able to edit your application” step - for weeks now. but it’s done. and maybe sometime they’ll call me and go “hey, wanna give us lots of money?” … and maybe they won’t.

i joined a new library system today, so that i could check out knit a square, make a toy. it is for absolutely brainless knitting, and is an awesome book. cubbie (and as such really, i, because i inherited his knitting books when he stopped knitting) had a copy, but then our delightful cat butter (who i miss soooo much) peed on it. it’s out of print, and only sixteen libraries in the u.s. seem to have it. handy that one of them is seventeen miles from my house.

speaking of knitting, i am now a ravelry member! i’m puckish there. they’re chugging through invitations fast, if you want to be a member but haven’t signed up yet.

tweedle dum. i’m sitting on a phone book, because my butt still hurts. i’ve been singing “my butt hurrrts,” to the tune of cute overload’s “i et too moishe.” i’m pretty sure that i fractured it on the right side, because… that’s where it hurts the most! i took this week off of (telling my temp place that i’m looking for) work, because it hurts to sit for a long time, but i need to go back to work next week because, hi, amsterdam? i have 1300 saved, and that’s not going to get me far. i should get one of those little thermometers for how much i’ve saved. i wonder where on the internet i could do that in a lazy fashion. i don’t think i care enough to code my own.

i think when/if i hope when the time comes for amsterdam, i’ll create a new blog here for that. because everyone needs many many blogs. and why did i buy myself a fancy domain and stuff if i’m not going to fill it up with stuff? cubbie has, unsurprisingly, stopped using his blog here - and that makes me feel lonely.

want a blog, people i know? i’ve asked you this before, i’m sure.

hello.

i’ve packed thirty-something boxes thus far. i’m running out of time. half of those boxes that i’ve packed are books. whoops.

i went out to dinner tonight, at millennium, with the two people here to whom i really needed to say goodbye. i didn’t really, though - at the end it was just goodbye hugs, not Goodbye hugs. dinner was tasty and filling, but is now on the sidewalk. the good thing about living in the drunkard’s neighborhood is that nobody looks at you strangely as your anxiety disorder causes you to puke down the block. i still always feel bad for my companions, though. and today, my shoes and dress. ew?

it’s amazing how used one can get to puking. i’ve been doing it unintentionally for six years now. six years?!

eventually, maybe, i will be able to navigate the world without making it messier. for now, i’ll continue packing.

i’ve somehow managed to become nocturnal again. it’s interesting, rather like the world is hanging upside down. it’s not very good, though, because by the time i’m ready to be productive, it’s late and my mind tells me that i should be going to bed, so then i’m not productive in hopes that i’ll go to bed, but i don’t.

today i made gross scones out of strange mexican pancake mix (it was “tres estrellas” brand; i should have held out for cinco estrellas) and pumpkin. i ate one, but i still have two more sitting there and leering at me.

i also made quiche. i think that quiche is somewhat the perfect food, as it combines lots of different foods and also has protein! which is important and i don’t get enough of. however, my pie crust skills are currently lacking (they used to be good, but have declined for want of materials such as real butter). this is the second quiche i’ve made since getting home from seattle - i bought a dozen eggs and distributed them evenly. hurray quiche.

there are twelve days left to pack up my house, after which i will be moving to san diego. i’m getting panicky because i’m having a very hard time getting started. i’ve been acquiring boxes and i’m pretty sure that i have enough, and most of my stuff is actually already in boxes, but i’m still super-overwhelmed.

i started a savings account for my amsterdam trip. i’m getting 5.27% interest or something, so that’s nice - and also it’s preventing me from giving in and buying these amazingly attractive shoes that happen to be on sale and only available in my size. i love fluevogs and don’t currently have any particularly femme ones - just these boots and these in pink and black. i might still have them in white and black as well, but i wore those out pretty quickly my first few years of college. oh fluevog, you do hold claim to an extensive piece of my shoe-loyalty heart. when you’re on sale. and now you’re working on lovely vegan shoes as well? quite tidy.

that was an extensive shoe-related tangent. i have a lot of shoes. this is a problem that comes with being deeply invested in many gender presentations and having an obsession with shoes. perhaps if i picked just one gender presentation, i would have just as many shoes pertaining to that one as i do now. of course, i could just have more (of course we would, we’d just eat more).

i’ve recently come to adore this comic. usually when online comics release books i manage to convince myself that their online presence will be enough for me, but here… a bit of me aches to hold suspenders and glasses tangibly in my hands. i’m a little bit too much like suspenders. seriously. the author has an art show in san diego that’ll still be running for two or three days that i’m there. maybe i can go.

i have to decide if i want to, on saturday, go to a blythe doll meetup in san jose or to a flashmob dance party at the ferry building or to watch clueless at cubbie’s house. i’ll probably end up at the latter, because (can you have latter if there’s more than two items? if not, final) it’s people i know, but it’s so so weird trying to be his friend.

recap since last entry (if just because that’d be a sad note to end on): i did not go to ground kontrol, instead i went to a store called collage (i think), where i purchased things to make a thank you card for the folks’ at whose house i spent the night. i did go to see the bishop allen show, and it was delightful. i am still obsessed with roller derby, and the san diego derby dolls have their bouts a mile and a half from where i’ll be living. hurray!

i hope you all are doing well. recommend me good podcasts, if you want to.

things are feeling a little better, planswise - i had double advice to let time figure things out, so while that’s hard to explain to people sometimes… that’s what i’m doing. mostly. :D

tonight i made seitan. well, today i made a few things. we had a stale loaf of bread, so i had some of that for lunch with garlic and butter, and then i wanted to make…. something… so i made breadcrumbs and then wanted something to fry in them, so i made seitan. it wasn’t from the ppk recipe, which i had used before, but it was very similar…. here! i used garlic instead of powdered garlic, and… we didn’t have some of the flavorings, so i used extra veggie stock for simmering. and molasses. it turned out fine, a bit soy saucey (becuase i used the high end of the suggested amount - i wanted flavrs!) and was completely underwhelming when baked in breadcrumbs. alas. now we have a bowl of seitan and a bowl of garlic butter in the fridge. i’m not sure what to do with them, but it’ll be… something. i stood on the phone with my father and cataloged things i could cook in breadcrumbs - green beans? a beet? squash? … none of them seemed appetizing. i wouldn’t have done well cooking on rations.

tomorrow i have a midterm, and then after that hopefully maybe i will go to a self defense training for trans and genderqueer folks. we discussed hate crimes in one of my classes recently, and that was a major suggestion (of course) for survival. but, i’ve never felt comfortable in any of the self-defense classes that i’ve taken. this one seems like it would be optimal, but it actually starts *during* the midterm. rawr, says dinosaur puck.

sleeping is optimal for children and other living things. and extinct things. including dinosaurs. goodnight or goodmorning or whatever works for you. xo

today was one of the super!productive! awesome. so much stuff recycled and landfilled and going to community thrift tomorrow. we spent six hours sorting. hurray!

i really have no idea, career-wise - which is scary, because that precipice is coming up. everyone keeps asking me if i’m going to graduate this spring, and… i doubt it. i would like to, would like to use that to prove that i’m not as messed up as people probably think i am, would like to use that as proof that my disabilities aren’t debilitating - but i don’t want to graduate just for proof.

the next is a rundown of my summer plans, which don’t exist. chances are you already know these things.

i’ve been waiting and waiting to see the listings for my school’s summer classes. at the beginning of march, “Summer 2007 listings will be available in March” was changed to “Summer 2007 listings will be available in April.” now it’s april and i’m still waiting. a comrade in waiting found the class schedules for summer, though - so at least i know who is teaching when, and the first forty characters of the program title. surprisingly enough, that gives me a lot of hope and eases my worries a bit.

i’m also working on an application for this summer program. it is doubtful that i could both the school of unity and liberation summer school as well as an evergreen class, but i’m hoping that i could work it out - there are a few short-term evergreen pieces that i might be able to schedule around a summer with soul.

if neither of these things work, and if the former works, for that matter, i’ll be looking for a job. i should actually be looking for a job now - temp work would be optimal - to build into the summer, but… i haven’t started. job hunts are an anxious project for people even without anxiety disorders. yippee!

another thing that i want to do before i graduate is take part in this program in the netherlands. working this summer would obviously help support that some… the application for fall isn’t due until may fifteenth, so maybe i should work on that just in case. …except that the program is full. wow.

the netherlands program would also be helpful in my work toward the modern thought and literature program at stanford, in case that’s what i decide to do. for that, “it is recommended that students begin the program with an advanced knowledge of at least one foreign language.” my spanish has always been horrible, but i want to start working on that again - however, by the end of the program i would need to have reading knowledge in two languages. still, i thought at first that it was in two languages *before* the program, so that’s good.

ahh, just thinking about this all is making my stomach hurt. and these are the touchstones, the potential knowns of my future! eep, it’s time for bed.

It feels so delightful to be productive, even if in small ways.

Tonight I went to an alum event for New College of Florida, cubbie’s school, and it was amazing how self-conscious the event made me feel about my strange path through college, considering New College’s reputation for its liberal beliefs on education. For those of you who just tuned in, I did a few credits of college in high school, and then I enrolled in The Evergreen State College, where I did some coursework and some summer work until I realized that I needed to take a year off to get some health stuff figured out. After that, Evergreen wasn’t really a place I felt safe going back to, so I moved to San Francisco to attend City College of San Francisco. My time at City has been largely successful, and I have learned more at City, maybe, than I did my whole time at Evergreen. So, good. I’ve been thinking about how awesome it would be to be able to contribute to this community, to teach on a community college level, so when I found out about the Grow Your Own program at City, I was excited - but I don’t think I’m eligible. The information about it is here.

Sometimes I feel like the struggle to get where you want/need to be, academically (and in terms of careers as well) can be much more difficult than the education/job itself. All I have to say to that is “bleh.”

in one of my classes, i’m doing well - getting each week’s work (because it’s online) done quickly, being on top of things… and it was just mentioned that i hadn’t signed in, yesterday, since the fourth. which is only a week, but apparently in the world of the internet, that’s a Long Time. what can you do?

so, i also haven’t updated here since then. so that’s a Long Time as well. i guess.

it’s been a busy world for cubbie and i, full of lots of delicious drama. we’re working it out, which is lovely. we’ve been Going Out and Doing Things, having dates, which we haven’t done for a while.

in searching for things to do with cubbie, i’ve also found things that i want to do on my own. gay shame meets every week, which is great because i had thought they were defunct.

trouble is, though, i keep finding things to do and then… not doing them. i have one in-person class and the rest are online and you’d think that maybe i would want to get out of the house more, but… no. this is why i haven’t been updating, see, because then i’d have to tell you about this and that’s certainly no fun.

what else, though. something is fun, and i’ve forgotten what it is. cleaning the house? no. um, oh! we’re thinking about moving to a new apartment in our building, if we ever make an appointment to see it. apparently there are studios that are only $50 more per month that are bigger and overlook the bay! i’m so hopeful.

that’s all i got.